Identifying the high conflict personality in your life, is a good start but what do we do with that knowledge?
- Limit your interactions. If you are able to cease contact, do that, so as to protect your own well-being. If that is not an option (because it’s a client, colleague or family member) then limit the contact to the things that you require their agreement or input on.
- Use the BIFF method for all interactions – Brief, Informative, Firm and Friendly. Brief because HCPs have short attention spans, Informative because HCP’S have difficulty switching between their left and right hemispheres and facts (not emotions) assist that calmer crossover, Firm because it is in their nature to push all of your limits and boundaries – remember conflict is their oxygen so the less opportunity to conflict the better, and Friendly because they view the world (in particular authority figures or institutions) as conspiring against them and it is important to avoid feeding into that data collection.
- Understand that you can’t control anyone else, but you do have control over how you respond to people and situations. Take a time out of you need it. Draft that email and walk away from it for a day or more … until you are ready to respond in a way that you are happy for the world to see. Keep yourself tidy. There is nothing you will regret faster than a moment of pettiness when dealing with a HCP because that’s their invitation to come back again (and again and again and again).
- Be transparent. HCPs are great “ team splitters” – they spend their time isolating individuals and recruiting others against them .. you are “with me or against me” type of mentality. One way to counteract that behaviour is to make it clear to the HCP that you will be discussing next steps with their target of blame because you and the ToB are part of a team – that way they know that communication lines are open and there are no secrets between you.
Happy Negotiating!
PS. A picture of one of the ways that helps me keep myself tidy
